Into The Dark Room

Imagine walking into a room and suddenly having the feeling that you were in a place that you could not recognize. Everything seems as though it should be familiar but there is a nagging feeling that something is not quite the way it should be. It is the same feeling that you get when you are dreaming.

There are people in the room who are familiar. They are looking at you in a strange fashion, almost puzzled. A deep rooted panic begins to rise up inside of you, almost overwhelming your emotions. You suddenly feel that you must leave. Nothing else will do. You absolutely must leave. Your greatest desire is simply to go home. You know that you will be safe when you get there.

The others who are in the room with you try to convince you that you are home, nut you know better. You know that you must leave and your greatest desire is to be at home. The more that these people try to talk you into staying, the greater the desire to go home grows. You think to yourself, “why are they treating me like this?”

This is how I imagine my mother feels when she suddenly sinks into the grip of an Alzheimer’s ‘episode.’ I try to put myself in her position, but I cannot truly imagine the panic and disbelief that she feels. I want to understand and be reassuring, give her as much comfort and understanding as possible. This is an unwinnable situation. Her mental state and attitude will not allow this.

There is a cruel syndrome called ’sundowner’s’ that affects almost every Alzheimer’s Disease patient. Like clockwork, when the sun begins to go down, panic floods in and the confusion begins. It reminds me of a roller coaster ride. No matter how much you want it to stop, it will not. All I can do is watch and pray that daybreak comes soon.

The pain, heartache, that an Alzheimer’s patient’s caregiver feels is excruciating. The most difficult combination of emotions to overcome are anger, fear, and the heartbreak of watching someone you love sink into that dark pit of confusion brought on by this relentless disease.

So often I have prayed for God to step in and make things right again. I find myself asking for help, crying for help, agonizing. It is at these times that I can feel the beautiful and reassuring whisper of God in my spirit. I can feel his strength come into my body and my mind. I can feel His embrace. I know that He is telling me to love her, my mother, with the same unending love that He has for me and for her.

I know that this is not a punishment that God is put on me. I know that He has her spirit in His hand and that he will not let her suffer. I know that it is the enemy of all men who is pouring out the illusion of hopelessness to ensnare me. It is the enemy’s plan to do everything to steal my hope, kill my will and destroy my faith. Jesus told us this when He said that the enemy come to steal, kill and destroy.

When I surrender to the peace that God places in my heart, I see the situation in a different light. When I open my heart to His love, He fills me. It is when I allow His light, His love, to shine through me that I can see an amazing manifestation. When I look at my mother, taking her hand in mine and gently speaking to her, letting God’s love move through me, I see a remarkable change. I can see her relax.

Often, within minutes, the symptom will return. I know this is simply another attack of the enemy. I simply take her hand in mine and again project the love that God has placed in me. Even when the attacks persist, with the strength of Christ, I persist. Often it takes hours but the result is always the same. She will calm down and not remember what happened.

I know that I must stay strong and prayed up so that I can be her for her and give her the best. So often I think about those who are in the same position that I occupy, a caregiver. I wonder how it is possible for anyone to survive this without having the strength that come from Christ to fill him or her.

The simply fact is that without the strength that Christ gives me, I would not be able to take the day to day heartbreak of this monstrous disease.